


Five Times Robin Got Pregnant...Kinda

by Kasuchi



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Food baby, Gen, Magical Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-11-27
Updated: 2008-11-27
Packaged: 2017-12-27 18:42:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/982289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kasuchi/pseuds/Kasuchi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pregnancy is a disease from which you recover in 18 years and 9 months.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times Robin Got Pregnant...Kinda

**Author's Note:**

> *laughs* Crack!fic because Cobie's pregnant. For **velocityofsound**.

**1\. dream a little dream of me**

He was stirring the sauce on the stovetop when he heard the rattle of keys and the turn of the lock. He tapped the wooden spoon he'd been using against the side of the pot and set it down. He wiped his hands on a towel, tossing it aside onto the countertop as he passed it.

"Hey," he greeted, brushing her cheek with a quick kiss.

Robin laughed and pushed him away. "Stop it, Barney! I feel completely gross."

He kissed her again, then lightly shoved her towards the bedroom. "Clean up and then help me with dinner."

"Yes, Mom." She grinned and dropped her purse on an end table, shrugging off her jacket as she turned a corner. Barney turned back to the stove and gave the sauce one good stir before flicking the burner to low. The pasta was cooking slowly on another burner, and he stirred that as well.

He heard her approach, stockinged feet a whisper against the hardwood. "Should I make a salad?" He nodded without turning away from the stove, grabbing a potholder to check the oven. She opened the fridge and pulled out the lettuce. Silently, he handed her a colander. She began stripping leaves, discarding the wilted ones and dropping the best in the colander.

"Hey, taste this? It's missing something." He held up the wooden spoon, a hand cupped under it.

She shook the water from her hands and took a taste, brow furrowing as she ran her tongue over her lips. "Some pepper. And maybe a little more basil."

He set the spoon aside and rested a hand on her swelling stomach, fingers splayed. "How was your day?"

She pulled him towards her until their foreheads were touching, eyes closed and mouth settled into a small smile. "Better now."

_He sat up suddenly, tangled in the blanket. The sheets stuck to him, and he shivered involuntarily. This time, he couldn't blame the morphine._

_He could, however, blame the sock._

**2\. moondance**

"Robin, what's wrong?"

Robin cast a furtive glance around the bar. The boys hadn't arrived yet, so it was just the two of them. "Lily, if I tell you something, do you _promise_ not to tell anyone?"

Lily nodded emphatically.

"No one? Not even Marshall?"

She bit her bottom lip. "Not even Marshall?"

"Lily, I'm serious."

"Okay, I promise. What is it?"

Robin stared into her lap. "I'm..." She mumbled something Lily couldn't hear.

"What?"

"I'm..." She sighed heavily. "I'm pregnant," she said quietly.

"WHAT?" The bar suddenly went silent, and Lily laughed and smiled nervously.

"What?" she repeated quietly, leaning forward. "How did this happen?"

Robin levelled an unamused stare at Lily.

"You know what I mean!" She took a fortifying drink of her beer. "When did you find out? No, wait, better question. Who's the father?!"

"I got worried when I was late, but I found out for sure two days ago." She licked her lips nervously. "As for the father..."

Lily stared wide-eyed as Robin slowly tore a napkin into confetti.

"It's Ted."

"TED?!"

"Hey, Lily, what's up?" Ted slipped into the booth beside Robin, who shifted uncomfortably. Lily noted that they didn't touch even casually.

_Lily sat up in bed, hand pressed against her chest, as Marshall snored softly beside her._

_That was the last time she marathoned the eighth season of Friends before bed._

**3\. put your head on my shoulder**

"Marshall, I need some advice."

Marshall blinked at Robin, surprised. "Okay, shoot."

"...I think I might be pregnant."

He spit out his beer all over the table. "Oh," he said, calmly, and set down his stein. "What makes you think that?"

She stood and lifted her shirt, revealing a fair-sized bulge.

"Oh," he repeated. "You're sure it's not a food baby?"

"Food baby?"

"Well, with Lily pregnant and you spending a lot of time with her, maybe you've gained weight from eating with her."

"Like a sympathetic pregnancy?"

"Yeah, like a -- how do you know about that?"

"I was watching _House_ with Lily."

"Oh," he said for the third time, and nodded, taking a drink of beer.

_"Marshall? What are you thinking?"_

_He snapped out of his daydream. "Nothing, Lilypad. Whatcha got there?"_

_"Pretzels and peanut butter."_

_"Mmm. Give me some."_

**4\. try a little tenderness**

"Ted, I need to tell you something," she said in a rush.

"Whoa, Robin, slow down. Are you okay?"

"Yes. No." She sighed. "Ted, you might want to sit down for this."

"Oh-kay..." He lowered himself onto their red couch. Robin sat down beside him and took his hand in hers.

"Ted." She paused, as if gathering her courage. "Ted, I'm pregnant."

His eyes widened, and he felt his eyebrows rise. "Robin, that's...I don't know what to say!" He moved to hug her but stopped when she held up a hand. "What?"

"There's more."

"Oh?"

"The father. It's..."

"Oh God, it's not me, is it?"

"What? Ted! You and I haven't slept together since November!"

"Oh thank God. Then who is it?"

"It's Barney."

There was dead silence for a long moment.

"WHAT?"

"Remember when Simon dumped me and Barney and I slept together? Well, tadaa." She held out her hands, but her expression was anything but joyous.

"I don't understand. But you and--"

"I know, it's been like a year. I guess my body just doesn't take pregnancy well."

"Robin, that doesn't make any--"

"So, anyway, I'm running off with one of the Village People. He's gay, but I'm dead inside, so I guess it'll work out."

"I...What? Robin, list--"

"Bye, Ted!" She called, waving, as a large, toned man in a Native American headdress took her arm and led her out.

_Ted sat up at his desk, coughing, as his body tried to figure out how to breathe again. Blinking blearily, he flicked off the light and stumbled back to his room, the threads of the dream fading away with every step._

**5\. everything**

Her hand shook as she counted down the seconds to two minutes. Then, squeezing her eyes shut, she flipped the stick over to see the results.

Two lines.

Two lines.

She started screaming.

_She sat up, dazed. Running a hand through her hair, she tried to catch her breath. She patted herself down, sighing when she felt her stomach was still flat._

_"Something wrong, Robin?" He half sat up, propping himself up on one elbow._

_She smiled and shook her head, lying back down. A hand rose to rub his shoulder. "Just a bad dream. Go back to sleep, ----"_

**Author's Note:**

> [1] Each section title is what came up on my iTunes. I had it set to Michael Bublé.
> 
> [2] "Pregnancy is a disease from which you recover in 18 years and 9 months." --Carrie Latet
> 
> [3] Food baby idea from **velocityofsound**. I hope you enjoyed this silly little thing.
> 
> [4] Crossposted everywhere - sorry if you got spammed!


End file.
